Exploring the link between fear and the desire to be self sufficient - and explaining a shift away from the lifestyle for this writer.
Kirsten, this is such an honest and thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing it. I am also fearful in many ways, e.g. crowds, public speaking, disagreements (or having to stand up for myself when that may upset someone), flying, dogs, flies, disease... It is hard not to let it take over at times. I hate flying but do it anyway because I love travel! I live in a city but try to avoid crowded situations. I guess I try to find a balance that gives me more joy than fear, although it's not always easy.
I've often envied the life of homesteaders and there's a big part of me that would like to head somewhere remote, become self sufficient and keep a few goats. Financially and practically that isn't going to happen but I've also come to realise that I'd struggle even if it did. In that scenario travelling abroad would be difficult to organise and I'd need to find someone to look after things. I'd worry about them whilst away. There's a chance the combination of that and finances would mean I stopped travelling, which is something I really love (how wonderful to visit Maine!).
There are days I rail against the city, curse everything and talk about making drastic changes. But I realise that wherever I go and whatever I did the common factor is ME and my neuroses! I cannot escape myself. In some ways it's liberating for me to realise that - and to make the most of enjoying life in the ways I can, without putting additional pressures on myself.
I won't deny I'm sad to hear that you'll be rehoming the animals and moving away from the homesteading life. But what an experience and journey to have had! To reflect on that but realise there are other things out there for you is a real strength, I think. I look forward to hearing more about what you do next!